It was pizza day at school for Nathan---Oh what a glorious day when you don't have to make a sack lunch...~You do however have to bring a drink for your child. I dropped off the big boys at school and was on my way to Nathan's pre-school when I realized I had forgotten Nathan's drink. We drove back by the house to grab a Capri Sun, only to run into our sweet neighbor "J". She has become my workout motivator...She was at kickboxing the first day I started exercising after Kate was born, and she has helped to nudge me along and keep me going....."J' has a grateful and giving heart and she is such an encouragment to those around her...
But, "J" is having a rough week...She has lost 4 babies to miscarriage in the last two years. This week marks the time when her last baby would have been due. She has been getting reminders in the mailbox this last month. Reminders in the form of diaper coupons and formula samples...ugh....She has been grieving for the loss of her children and she has been begging God to take away her desire for another child. I know there are so many women out there that have felt the pain of losing a baby to miscarriage...Will you please pray for my friend "J", during this difficult week....She doesn't have a grave marker, or any physical evidence her babies were here...She didn't even have a big belly to show the world...You can't "see" her broken heart, but let me tell you... It~Is~Broken.... Please pray for peace and understanding...and that she will find a way to use her sorrow to glorify God.....
During our discussion, she raised a question that I just can't get off my mind. She said, "I know there are women out there that KNOW they are finished having children, I'm just not one of them...I don't think I ever will be.....HOW DO YOU KNOW?" I fumbled around for a good answer, but truth be told I am not one of those women either.....I did not go out the week after Kate was born and have my tubes tied, nor did I ask my husband to have something "permanent" done....
Physically, emotionally, financially and intellectually I will tell you I am finished having children....But--- I just CANNOT make things final....
I think about the day when I won't have to change another poopy diaper again with pure happiness (and utter sadness)...I dream about the day that we can leave the house without anything in our hands and go out to dinner without complete chaos with gleeful anticipation (and dread)....And I await the day that my children are "gone" and it's just the hubby and I and we can travel and be a couple again with excitment (and morose). I am sad that I will never carry a baby in my body again and happy that my body is my own now....I am sad I will never have that moment when a new life is placed on my chest for the first time, but happy I don't have to go through labor.... As each day goes by I feel panicked that this is the last time I will experience this milestone or that milestone......but at the same time so grateful to be experiencing it......
And so I have to ask myself...Why? Why don't I feel this finality that so many women claim that they feel? Do I love poopy diapers and 4 am feedings? Or Do I identify myself as the "baby mama" ....and if my kids grow into school age children I won't know who I am? Or do I just realize that this time goes by so fast and I am trying my hardest to grasp on to any string I can grab hold of to slow it down?...It's probably a little of each.......
As I search for and pray about the answer, I'm gonna try to live in the moment, realizing how blessed I am that God gave me 5 beautiful and healthy and perfect children, and knowing He is rocking and singing sweet lullabies to those babies we have lost, until the time we can be reunited with them........
And at this exact moment I have to go change a poopy toddler diaper and feed a hungry baby....
Liz
8 comments:
You are truly blessed. Sorry to hear about your friends losses. How very sad...I hope that she gets the desire of her heart.
This was such a nice post.
I will for sure be thinking about your neighbor. I can totally relate to her. To this day I still get those diaper and formula coupons in the mail and my baby would be 7 months. UGH! Unless people know my story, their is no way for them to know that I lost a baby early in my pregnancy. I don't have pictures of a baby belly, pictures of the baby, or a grave marker either. All I have is a picture of my first ultrasound that I carry in my wallet with me to this day. You can't tell by looking at me that my heart still wants that baby.
I also don't know if I could ever make it 'final' as well. I think that would be such a hard decision for me to make.
I will be thinking about your neighbor.
Beautiful post. I feel for "J".
Thanks for your comment!! What a beautiful post. I don't have any children of my own, I haven't even started trying yet, but I do look foward to the joy of children and can't imagine what your friend is going through. Let her know she is in a random internet stalker's prayers ;)
Wow. You and I are so much alike. Most of your post is what I've said to myself or to others before. I am done having children, but I still want more. I will forever want babies in my house. I love, love, love newborns. So sorry for your friend "J". I've been there and it hurts.
I feel so similar. I thought I would never say this after the year we have had, but I would love to have another baby. Now, in reality- I know that isn't best for us as a family. However, it does go by so very quickly. Children force you to live in the moment. And oh, those moments are so very sweet.
After all of our struggles to be parents, I can sympathize with your neighbor. Those anniversaries and the cruel way your mind remembers them aren't easy.
All I can say, is that for now, I have decided that if the desire to be a parent (for me) would have been entirely human I would have stopped a long time ago and never seen my children's faces. If it were entirely a human desire, it would have been extinguished-because the fatigue and sorrow of it all are just too hard to bear without God. I think the desire to be a mother (for me) was given to me by God. It is the only way I could have ever survived all the trials, sorrow and losses ( 10 years )to get where I am now.
I would never pretend to have it figured out for anyone else, but I know I would have never thought I would have three kids 3 years ago. I wouldn't have dreamed that big. But God did.
I'm so glad you voiced these thoughts, Liz. I, too, have so many friends who know - and have had the procedures to prove it - that they are DONE. I have four - three boys and a girl - and just lost my fifth to miscarriage. My constant obsession: was this a sign? Am I getting too old? Do I have enough love, life and work to go around here?
Probably, yes. But it absolutely kills me to think that this is it.
I am so amazed by the way God puts us all in this world together! Molly just directed me to this post...thank you for expressing how I feel. Saying I will never be pregnant again is so hard, but truthful.
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